Top Elevens of 2011

Eleven is a magical number. It is also a binary number, and (due to my aversion to all things mathematical) that's all I have to say about that. So, 2011 has been a magical, um, binary year. 

In this time of top 10 lists of all that was good and bad in the last 12 months I've pulled together my own random musings on the year that was. I will employ the 11 theme as a rigorous structure in my summation, so you may note that I will pad out some of my lists with strained relevance. But please bear with me in my imposed numerical obligations. I can only be thankful that it isn't the end of 2020.

11 Ironic Quotes

1. "I do." - Kim Kardashian

2. "What have I ever done to you?" - Gaddafi to captor moments before his humiliating public execution.

3. "By any measure, this has already been a long war." - Obama announcing the end of Iraq War.

4. "I think that climate change science is far from settled. The fact that we've had, if anything, cooling global temperatures over the last decade, not withstanding continued carbon emissions suggests that the role of CO2 is not nearly as clear as the climate catastrophists would suggest. I also think that if you want to put a price on carbon, why not do it with just a simple tax?" - Tony Abbott denies climate change AND endorses a carbon tax in the same breath. Breathtaking.

 

5. "Hey kids, quiet down with that racket! I've just reached the next level in Assassin's Creed." - Osama bin Laden's last words.

6. "I don't know if Obama's birth certificate is authentic." - Donald Trump flogging a dead horse.

7. "An unnamed Hollywood starlet will give birth to a dwarf." - Spooky prediction by Canadian 'psychic' Nikki who also foresaw the first successful brain transplant (she is ranked as "urgent" on the recipient list), the burning down of the Playboy mansion, and the end of the world in 2011. Surprisingly and prophetically for my list, zero of her 11 predictions came true. Better luck next year Nikki!!

8. "I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man." - Charlie Sheen #winning.

9. "It's not age that Hendrix, Jones, Joplin, Cobain and Amy have in common - it's drug abuse." - Singer Billy Bragg debunks the 27 Club myth.

10. "This is one of the most humble days of my life." - 'Rupert Murdoch'. Sociopaths have no conscience and neurological tests have shown they do no register emotions easily. Therefore the above quote is most likely another tabloid lie written by a Newscorp sub-editor.

11a.* "I'm 74 years old and even though I may be a bit of a rascal ... 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30-year-old." - Silvio Berlusconi. If he put half as much effort into running the country as he did in chasing ass Italy would be in a much better state. Just sayin'.

11b.* "It is important always to remember that virtual contact cannot and must not take the place of direct human contact with people at every level of our lives." - Pope Benedict bestows his holy blessing on social media. The Pope. Leader of the Catholic Church. Giving advice on human relationships. Irony.

*I realised during a post-publish edit that I had miscounted, thus 11 on this list has two parts. Proving my previous claim that I'm hopeless at maths and that even counting beyond 10 is obviously a problem for me.

11 Annoying People

1. Justin Beiber.

2. Padding.

3. More padding.

4. Even more padding!

5. Padding it out.

6. Geez, I really love my iPAD!

7. Padding, padding, padding.

8. Paddington.

9. Paddington Bear.

10. Paddington Bear hates Justin Beiber.

11. Pad-O-Rama

11 Unforgettable Images

1. So a Canadian hockey game sparks a riot and this photo is born.

2. Finally a global protest movement for our times. And the image of the tent has become a symbol for protest. In 2011 the sleeping masses mobilised themselves into a collective voice of outrage.

3. This is what grief looks like. Robert Peraza kneels at his son's memorial on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.

4. OK, so Kate & Will were kinda gorgeous on their wedding day.

5. They got him.

6. Hawkeye lies next to his master's coffin during funeral.

7. Whirlpool forms after Japanese tsunami, caused by earthquake, which resulted in meltdown of nuclear power plant. This was definitely the most diabolical of 2011's natural disasters. WTF Mother Nature, WTF!!!???

8. Harold Camping, a 'biblical numerologist' predicted the Rapture would occur on May 21 and then when it didn't happen changed it to October 21. He got it wrong a second time. Since then he has remained strangely quiet.

9. Note to all future brides: when your fiance calls off your wedding and you cannot bear the humiliation to the point of suicide, jumping out of a crowded building in your wedding dress can lead to global embarrassment if you are surrounded by photographers and the well-intentioned.

10. France and Germany carve up the European economy. Whatevs.

11. The Cosmos. An amazing place.

11 Books I've Bought this Year that I Can't Wait to Read

1. All the Devils are Here: Unmasking the Men Who Bankrupted the World, Bethany McLean & Joe Nocera

2. The Shakespeare Thefts: In Search of the First Folios, Eric Rasmussen

3. Where Good Ideas Come From: The Natural History of Innovation, Stephen Johnson

4. The Human Stain, Philip Roth
5. The Master and his Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World, Iain McGilchrist
6. Thinking of Answers: Questions in the Philosophy of Everyday Life , A.C. Grayling
7. Strange Days Indeed: The 70s - The Golden Age of Paranoia, Francis Wheen
8. Naked, David Sedaris 
9. Planet Word: The Story of Language from the Earliest Grunts to Twitter and Beyond, J.P. Davidson
10. The Lodger: Shakespeare on Silver Street, Charles Nicholl
11. Pop Goes the Weasel: The Secret Meanings of Nursery Rhymes, Albert Jack 

11 Fave Films/TV Shows

 
1. Black Swan 

I love this movie in ways I find difficult to articulate. Yes, Aronofsky is a great director, the leads all give stunning performances, the visual cues and motifs are mesmerising, the storyline is compelling, it sticks with you for days afterwards, it won Oscars, it will go down as one of the best films of 2011. Yet, its total is greater than the sum of these parts. This film is not for everyone, but it definitely worked for me. 

2. Cave of Forgotten Dreams
 

Herzog takes us deep into the psyche and artistic mind of pre-historic man in this exclusive insight into Chauvet Cave in France. Using 3D technology to enhance the cinematic experience, he walks the audience through a magical, glistening world that is as precious as it is unreachable.

Adding his signature humour and sensibilities to the tale, this master filmmaker has produced a wonderful tale - a look back into the past to help future generations to understand the future. 

3. Bridesmaids

A hilarious stab at the role of bridesmaid that waaaay too many women take seriously. I first caught wind of its awesomeness from Judd Apatow's tweets of approval which contributed much to the buzz this film was giving out before it premiered. It proved to live up to the hype. Giving us some classic scenes that will go down in comedy history such the bridesmaids' dress fitting and the flight sequence scene, this film will remain as a fave for many a year and created an dubious new genre - the gross-out chick flick.   

4. Archer

This effing brilliant animated series started in 2009, but I only discovered it this year on the advice of a friend. Archer is maniacal in its subversive plotlines; uber-cool in its splendidly drawn 60s-retro settings and fashion; diabolical in its politically-incorrect set ups and pay offs; hysterical in its characterisations; and perfectly cast in its voice over artists. And it's goddamn funny too. I strongly URGE you to witness the magnificence of this show for yourself. So wrong, yet so right.

5. Game of Thrones

Much anticipated by the enthusiasts of the book series, Game of Thrones debuted in 2011 with resounding approval from its bibliographical fan-base. Although I haven't read any of the books, I'm a sucker for medieval fantasy and I wasn't disappointed in this great series. Actor Peter Dinklage rates a special mention in his compelling portrayal of the Machiavellian Tyrion Lannister, the show almost worth watching for his performance alone.

6. Crazy, Stupid, Love

There is much to enjoy here. Steve Carell's perfect casting and pitch-perfect performance; Julianne Moore's empathetic portrayal; Ryan Gosling's surprising hotness; Emma Stone's likeableness; Marisa Tomei's unhinged characterisation; the supporting cast's seamless performances; twists and turns you won't see coming; a goodnaturedness at the story's heart; and a wonderful movie that eloquently demonstrates how crazy and stupid love is.

7. The Trip

Don't see the movie, watch the show. This subtle yet exhilarating tale has curiously been presented as both a film and a series by its producers. I have seen the latter and can't imagine the former could be any better. For it is the slow accumulation of conversation, of meals, of events and of meanderings that lends this slow-cooking series its magic. Oh, and don't watch it on an empty stomach either. Foam...sigh...

8. Tabloid

A young beauty queen falls in love with a Mormon who promises her undying love and a wedding ring. Suddenly the Mormon is sent to Britain as a missionary, so the beauty queen cobbles together a motley crew of accomplices in a half-baked plan to kidnap her lover and save him from the Mormon church. She kidnaps him. And holds him captive as her sex-slave for 2 weeks. The Mormon escapes, alerts the authorities and the tabloid press goes ballistic with the story. Sounds like the plotline of some cheap, tawdrey novel? No, this is a friggin' documentary! 

9. QI

QI stands for Quite Interesting. It also stands for Quiet Intersection; Quit Interjecting: Quilt Interlacing; Quote Intended and Quoteth Iago. But if you want to laugh while you learn and learn what is funny, while having fun learning tune into QI. The smartest and funniest show on TV. Each series tackles topics starting with a progressive letter of the alphabet. They are currently up to the 'I's, which is quietly intriguing and also means there are thankfully 12 series still to go.

10. Curb Your Enthusiasm

Series 9 of this brilliant series is re-invigorated by Larry David et al relocating to New York which acts as a fresh backdrop for David's madness, or sanity as he would put it. The series has now lasted as long as Seinfeld did, but on a less populist scale. However, would moving the location of the action bring David dangerously close to Seinfeld territory? Only on one occasion did a Kramer-esque caper sneak through  when David installs a periscope into the roof of his car to help him gauge traffic on the streets of NY. David ends the series in a final episode starring Michael J Fox and a rhapsodic series of social transgressions and inappropriate references to Parkinsons disease, proving David is still in top form. 

11. Midnight in Paris

Woody Allen is one of my comedic heroes. I wish I could write like him. I wish I had a mere skerrick of his talent for the absurd. I understand and relate to his characters. I admire his career. But I won't comment on his personal life. Eew. A recent inventory of his movies revealed I have seen 35 of his 47 films. He is a prolific filmmaker with at least a new release every year (sometimes three, frig!) whose work in even a bad year is often better than the average cinematic fare. So how did I like Midnight in Paris? I adored it. Because it's whimsical in a way that Allen does so well. It's simultaneously adolescent and cerebral in its humour. It is lovingly detailed in cultural references and modernist in-jokes. And it's Woody at his best, when all the elements converge to create another highpoint in an already impressive body of work.

 

11 Things I'm Not Looking Forward to in 2012

1. Mayan Prophesy irrational, dumb-ass, pathetic, ignorant, stupid, gullible, moronic, brainless paranoia. And the worst part is that it's 'scheduled' for December 21 so we have to put up with almost an entire year of puerile speculation and fear over it.

2. The London Olympics. All sport is boring. Except for gymnastics which is cool.

3. All the natural disasters ahead.

4. Extreme weather.

5. Possibly a federal election.

6. More Justin Beiber frenzy on Twitter.

7. Stories about financial doom and gloom. Seriously over it.

8. Winter.

9. Bullshit stuff & crap.

10. The carbon tax.

11. Traffic.

11 Things I am Looking Forward to in 2012

1. Moving into my new place.

2. Work. Believe it or not.

3. Writing more.

4. The release of Nero Fiddled.

5. Exotic travel. And non-exotic travel. Just travel in general, OK?

6. Good things that I don't know will happen yet.

7. Summer.

8. Going out with friends & stuff.

9. Christmas. (yeah, I'm padding)

10. Over-sharing on Facebook.

11. Laughing about crap.

Penne all'arrabiata - A Recipe

Ingredients

1 can of peeled tomatoes, or home-made passata

An onion, finely chopped

Chilly

Olive oil

Tomato paste (not essential)

Salt to taste

Penne pasta

Grated parmigiano cheese

Method

Before we begin, let me make a few things clear. 

Firstly, the word arrabiata means angry in Italian, therefore the successful execution of this dish perches precariously on its spicy nature. Italians being very descriptive and emotive in their description of food, the hot-blooded nature of this sauce is key. If you don't get the right level of spice right you will have failed to create a true arrabiata sauce, delivering merely a mildly-miffed sauce which is basically...failure.

Secondly, the secret to Italian cooking is to bring out the most of each individual ingredient of a recipe to orchestrate a delicious combination of flavours. Easy.

Thirdly, the most important preparation for an Italian dish is the procurement of the best products and highest quality ingredients.These should be chosen with love and an eye for detail, something that will develop over time, I promise you.

Remember these principles and you can't go wrong. Forget and you're just not doing it right.

Now we can get down to business.

Pour some olive oil into a pan. Heat, and add the onions. You can also add garlic at this point if you want. Personally I think the onions are enough and I don't like garlic, but add it if you want. I don't care.

When the onions are browned, add the peeled tomatoes. Remember, these should be good peeled tomatoes, preferably imported from Italy. But if you want to support local brands go ahead, buy the bland peel made from unripened, improperly prepared tomatoes which undermine the integrity of your meal. Again, I don't give a crap. 

Add the chillies. These could be dried flakes or a freshly cut, fleshy red fresh chillies. Taste it! Assess if the anger is present. If not, add more, for frig's sake.

At this point you can add some surprise extras to the sauce. Yes, improvise. I don't want to scare you, but you should experiment. Add an anchovy to give it a salty, tangy taste. 

Throw in some olives, maybe some capers. But beware! By adding these you come dangerously close to making a putanesca sauce. Again, Italians are very evocative with their names. Putanesca basically means prostitute-style. Can you imagine plonking a plate of pasta in front of a guest and saying "Yeah, I made it just the way you like it - prostitute-style"? It wouldn't go down well with either you male or female guests. So maybe set aside the prostitute theme and just stick to angry for now.

Anyway, allow the sauce to simmer on a low heat. Add the tomato paste at this point if you wish, to give it that extra kick. Add salt. Again, taste!

Put the penne on the boil. If you aren't quite sure about your pasta types (sigh), take a look at this useful chart.

Now comes the tricky part. The timing. 

The pasta sauce needs to reduce down to a point where the watery part of the tomato has evaporated, YET not too much so that it has lost its saucy consistency. Get it?

Ideally, the pasta should be cooked in sync with the transformative alchemy of the individual ingredients into the sublime end product of a true arrabiata sauce...But if that doesn't happen it's OK. Just remove the sauce from the stove and wait for the pasta to cook. (eye roll) Take a sip of wine, it will do you good.

This is another point where you can add a bit of a flourish to your dish. Why not add some cream? Or whatever? Experiment!

I'm seriously not going to go into detail about adding the sauce to the strained pasta. You know how to do that. As you surely know how to plate it. And smother it in parmesan cheese.

There! Was that difficult?

Serves 4.

Sal's 9/11 Story

Sal* is the first person I met in the US. I arrived on the eve of the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and the city was on high alert. Again. As if the milestone would bring new horrors. It didn't. But the vibe was there, and the 911 stories pored forth during my two week visit.

I had missed my connecting flight from LAX due to the two hours it look to get through the US customs. As I said, you could feel the tension in the air as soon as you arrived in the country. Like a bell curve steadily rising.

A phone call to my cousin Beverly announced I would be arriving at 10pm instead of 8pm. She was calm and unperturbed, qualities I would grow to admire in her. She's had quite a life.

When I exited JFK airport I looked around to see a familiar facebook face. (Our large Italian immigrant-enhanced family spans four continents and we had found each other over the past four years via facebook.) Instead I saw Sal holding a hand-written sign with 'Rao' scrawled in pink highlighter on it.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I enthused. "Hey, I'm good. How are you?" he smiled back. I didn't know whether to kiss him hello, but he didn't make a gesture so I held back. "This way," he pointed.

We headed outside to the car park. My first breath of anxious, fresh New York air.
"So how are we related?" I questioned. I didn't remember a Sal being on my facebook list.

"We're not. Beverly booked my car service," he replied. I didn't quite register, I didn't exactly know what a car service was. We reached the car. Put my meagre luggage in the boot (or trunk) and suddenly I was in the back of a Cadillac heading for Long Island.

So I'm in the US for the first time. It's around 10:20pm. Dark freeways. Trees outside. Um, it looks a lot like home. I'm talking in English. But the guy I'm talking to sounds like people in the movies or TV! And he has a Brooklyn accent. I'm in a friggin' movie!!!

Conversation flows freely. The trip was long. Airplane food is awful. Look at the traffic outside. What's it like in Australia? Time differences. Seasonal opposites. We're both from Italian backgrounds. I didn't plan to be here at this time.

"You know, I'm a 9/11-survivor," he informs. My blood runs cold, and I ask the inevitable.

Sal was in the foyer of the first tower when the plane hit. He worked for a bank and was meeting some colleagues downstairs on that Tuesday morning. It wasn't a bomb-like noise, more like a dull thud.

They were re-assured that everything was OK and to go about their regular business. Nothing to worry about.

Then the smashing sounds started. Bodies and debris from above. Sal walked out of the building and looked up to see the plane hit the second tower. This is the point when he realised something not quite right is going on. All our reactions where WTF on that day. Did that really happen? How could it?

Sal is now truly outside of the "everything is OK" lie. He's out on the street. People are looking up in disbelief. Paralysed. Once flight-mode kicks in so does the adrenaline-fuelled survival instinct.

People are organising themselves into groups to head away from the disaster scene. Americans are good team players. Sal is astounded by the amount of people buying up disposable cameras at a nearby store to take shots of the wounded towers. A colleague who escaped the initial impact is rushing back into the heart of the WTC with a disposable camera.

"I said to him 'What are you doing? Let's get outta here. Forget about the photos.' And he said "No, I gotta get the shots." Well he didn't make it out alive. I never told his family. They don't need to know that. I told them he was at work."

It took Sal the whole day to walk back to his home in Brooklyn. His wife and kids rejoiced at the sight of him. "You know the first thing I said when I got home? 'No more diets!'" He gestures with his hands. "Life is too short! As you can see I've put on a few pounds since then," patting his belly. "Then my kids baked me a cake to say welcome home the next day, it was great."

Sal was laid off from his job a few months later. He's been running a car service ever since. He misses his old job and hasn't been able to get back into the banking game ever since.

He doesn't usually do the driving, his job is to book the drivers. Because this booking was at such late notice he decided to do it himself, and he's glad because he got to meet me.

The pleasure was all mine, Sal. All mine.

*Not his real name to protect his story.

Just a photo

Fathers Day flowers from the garden

In which I attempt to explain Quantum Physics & inevitably fail

Lofty topic. But hey, I'm not afraid to tackle the big subjects. I took physics, in high school, up to Year 9, until it was compulsory. And then dropped it like a hot academic potato. So here I am picking up where I left off 30-odd years ago.* 

Where to begin.

Well, technically with the Big Bang.  Which temps me to segue to that wonderful sitcom The Big Bang Theory, but I'm not going to pollute the serious matter of Quantum Mechanics with references to popular culture, even if Sheldon Cooper is the most hilarious theoretical physicist character on television today.


But I digress.


And with good reason.


Because Quantum Physics is hard to explain. Basically, it's the science of indivisible units of energy at the subatomic level. The mathematical calculations of how these particles and waves conduct themselves in nature while the rest of us get on with our every day lives . It is the study of  the essence of matter, if you like. The essence of life reduced to algebraic equations. (See  below.)

What the frig?

Quantum Mechanics provides some mind-blowing revelations about the nature of reality. Here's a list of personal favourites:

• The nucleus of an atom is composed of waves of energy and not solid matter. Therefore we are all literally collections of information, nothing and something at the same time. (Refer to my blog title.)
• When electrons are observed under scientific observation they CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOUR. (This revelation disturbed me so much it kept me up an entire night, and I'm a good sleeper!)
• Particles can be present in multiple positions SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is called Superposition and it alludes to physical systems existing in different dimensions.
• String Theory has identified 11 dimensions of existence, most of which are invisible to the naked eye.
• The universe is donut-shaped.

Some nice balls.

I've bought several books on the subject. This one is OK.  This one has lots of pictures in it! And this one compares QP to Alice in Wonderland's adventure down the rabbit hole. The metaphor of an LSD-induced trip being an apt entry into the crazy world of molecular physics. So, um, I've flicked through them a few times, but it hasn't helped my understanding of QP as much as this does.


So, I could throw around terms like the Copenhagen Interpretation; decoherence; entangled photons; the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle; probability theory; and the whole Schroedinger's Cat palaver to make out as if I know what I'm talking about, but I'm not a phony.

I don't understand this.

I happily admit that I'm completely out of my depth with this topic and that is precisely why it fascinates me. It's like life. I have no idea how it works, I'm just trying to make my way through it without a rule book. 


Yet, I'm not a complete dumbass. Observe Shakespeare's  Sonnet 130**:

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red, than her lips red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a goddess go,
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground: 
      And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare,
      As any she belied with false compare.


This is a sublime ode to love and the acceptance of life in all it's imperfection. Just as the tiny quantum world, with all it's entangled importance eludes us with its frustrating complexity. An elusive contradiction of the known and the yearning to know.


Now it's time for me to abandon this subject and revert to my usual banal state of mind. Please feel free to correct any absurd misinterpretations or errors, I promise to make any amendments to my physics notebook.




*This figure disturbs me no end. 
**Note the obligatory Shakespeare reference.

Online dating. Pfffft!

OK, so I tried online dating a couple of years ago with mixed results. Mixed, as in nuts.

Because I’m single and childless society dictates that at least the single part of my equation be rectified.

Oh, did I mention I had just turned 40? Single, childless and over 40. Society doesn’t like that.

So I went online and peddled myself to a world of strangers. Initially it looked good. I got a bite straight away, and before I knew it I was going on a date with some guy named Peter on September 1. Nicely timed on the first day of Spring.

He looked friendly enough in his photo, actually it was a great photo. Correspondence to arrange the date was short and to the point on his side, whereas I was trying to beef up the communication with questions and failed attempts at one-liners. Not much of a response from Peter. And yes, this would turn out to be a sign.

We agreed to meet at a place in Southbank on a Wednesday night at 8pm for ‘a drink.’

My dear friend Lisa was informed of all the details: who he was, where we were meeting and when. “Call me as soon as it’s over,” she enthused. Ok.

The meeting point was outside the bar. I arrived first. Waiting nervously and looking at everyone coming and going. Regretting having gotten myself in this situation. Bloody hell, it’s 8 o’clock now. I’ve been stood up!

I heard a voice call my name and I turned to see the real live Peter. You could smell the mutual indifference in the air.

But hey, you have to give these things a go. This is, after all, such an awkward and artificial situation.

We went in and sat at the bar. I ordered a mineral water, I think. Can’t remember what he ordered.

Conversation was stifled. Hard to raise a laugh. “How did you get here?” “Car,” I embellished. “How about you?” “Tram.”

Tram.

Anyways, half way through some interminably inane conversation about how I got to work in the morning he announced that he needed to go home because he had work to do and he needed to get up early in the morning. By the time he had finished the sentence he was flying off his stool and heading out the door with barely a goodbye. It was 8:20.

I rang Lisa. “Hello000???????” was the inquisitive response. “It’s over,” I deadpanned. “What?” Incredulous. “It’s over.”

Hilarity ensued. Loud hilarity.

Perched in front of the blender where the barman was mixing drinks, he overheard my phone rant and asked what had happened. I described the magical encounter with the fleeing tram passenger.

Obviously a decent guy, barman was astounded by Pete’s behaviour. Even if you don’t hit it off, you at least have the manners to stick around and talk to another human being. It had taken me longer to get there and park my car than the ‘date’ had actually lasted. If I left now I’d be home by nine o’clock.

So Barman gives me a free shot. And then the remnants of the cocktails he’s concocting. Now I’m relaxing and back on the phone with another friend regaling the whole story again.

Barman is back blending another drink. We talk about the online scene. In his job he’s seen it all. Must be fascinating. I mention how I made sure the meeting was in a public place, because you never know who you’ll meet on the internet. Maybe a serial killer, hell I could be a serial killer!!!

I could tell by the way his face dropped that I had lost him. You know when you say that retrospectively dumb thing that you think is perfectly fine at the time, but as soon as it comes out of your mouth you know it’s wrong? Deflated. Barman needs to serve another customer and work at the other end of the bar now.

So there I was. Staring into the Yarra River. On a Spring night. Sucking down the remnants of someone else’s Piña Colada. Possibly a serial killer. Aiming to get home within the hour.  

Oddly enough, this wasn’t the last of my adventures in cyberspace dating. Things were about to get weird…  

Why Spiders are Assholes

Including the huntsman currently living in my car, occasionally creeping across my windscreen while I’m driving, spiders are generally known to be assholes.

Arachnophobia is the scientific name given to the fear of spiders, but this is simply a euphemism for the highly logical and well-grounded revulsion caused in humans by these disgusting creatures.  

 

Over the years they have had a bad rap because of their poisonous tendencies,  but they also rate as the ugliest beings that Mother Nature has produced. (And frankly, I don’t know why she bothered.) Yes, they are part of the ecosystem and play a vital role in the delicate balance of the terrestrial biomes which are currently under threat. And they eat flies. Big whoop. 

My problem with spiders is not just aesthetic. It’s the fear they engender. The all-consuming, irrational fear of the little-tiny-thing that gets magnified 100-fold. The fear of fear itself. It’s the fear of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and how it can stifle progress.  

I can happily jump on a plane and travel thousands of kilometers through the air without giving it a second thought;  I can drive a motor vehicle in heavy traffic safely twice a day without being amazed that I’m not crushed by a semi-trailer along the way; yet a small arachnid can trigger an instant fit of hysteria. 

The real problem is the legs. It’s the hairy long legs that move in such an uncoordinated way. You don’t know where they’re going. You don’t know. They’re long, they’re agile, and their breadth can fit around your arm or leg quite effectively. Have I ever had one crawl on my arm or leg? No. But that’s not the point. It’s the fear.  

Have I mentioned that I left the window open over night the other night and have no idea if the huntsman is now on the inside of my car and could strike at any time? That’s called living on the edge.